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[07 Jun 2008|07:28pm] |
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Oh yea, I'm in Eugene.
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| Onward to Oregon |
[11 May 2008|11:29am] |
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mood |
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 pleased |
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Catch you on the flip-side, Moscow.
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[01 Mar 2008|08:45pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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A calm has fallen over my world. There are no more questions, no more worrying, no more fears. I see it all so clearly and wonder how I never saw it before.
This happens every time. This isn't the first time, but is hopefully the last, that I will be lost in a haze and therefore lose myself. I'm sick of letting myself slip away for no good reason.
I quit Starbucks; shh, it's a secret. You can say I gave up, you can say I just didn't try hard enough, but I know that I just wanted to be myself. I want to be able to show my tattoo inadvertently, have hair that may not be "natural-looking", wear my clothes--not fucking khakis. I hate fucking khakis. I hate being asked to make conversation with people who clearly don't care what some barista girl has in mind for chit-chat. I don't do chit-chat. I don't feel proud about making shitty-tasting coffee. It doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy inside knowing our pastries are all pre-packaged and come in the mail. I can't appreciate the customers who freak out when some small thing goes wrong, especially considering they obviously don't know what quality espresso tastes like anyway. Whatever the reasoning may look like from the outside, and no matter how irresponsible it appears to be, I needed to do this for my sanity. For myself, to find myself. So far, I've found out I'm not Starbucks.
I feel free. Which, yes, has something to do with being unemployed again. Mostly, I just don't feel trapped anymore. I know what I have to do and am taking the appropriate steps of progress.
As much as I hate to admit this anytime ever, my mom was right. You have to make the things you want your life to be happen. Not only do I feel strong enough for love like I did a few months ago, I feel strong enough for life.
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[19 Feb 2008|03:27pm] |
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mood |
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 fucked |
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I truly have no idea what to do. Everything I thought I knew is slipping and turning into something so foreign I rarely know where I am.
I have everything right now. Except... he's leaving soon, and soon I will stop going to school altogether, and soon I will fully realize Starbucks is not me and I can't keep pretending to be Starbucks. I don't call my friends back. I don't go outside until it's not day anymore. This sounds all too familiar, and I have to stop it. Right now, not soon. I'm disappointed in myself. And no, I'm not doing my best.
But seriously? How am I supposed to push this huge thing to the back of my mind? Just pretend it doesn't exist and consume me every minute and go to school, get to work (on time), and live life. I'm fearing life is in you, and you don't see the same in me. I'm not putting everything on you, but you're the biggest, most important, all encompassing force in my life.
Fuck. Get your fucking shit together. FUCK.
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[05 Feb 2008|10:50pm] |
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I'm so far out on this limb I can't see where I came from. I need someone to tell me I'm brave.
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| Is this a leap year? That might change things... |
[05 Feb 2008|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
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I keep trying to define this most bizarre and bewitching situation. What do you say when there are no words? Is it human nature, woman nature, or the nature of crazy people to need a label for everything? I know what this feels like. I also know what it's going to feel like in 24 days and I'm afraid. The questions you can't ask and the things you can't admit just loom there until it's too late. Then you wonder, if I could have found the words, would they have changed anything?
My crystal ball says heed, while I state: "You don't know how this feels."
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| What a crazy couple o' weeks |
[28 Jan 2008|08:34pm] |
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mood |
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 high on hydros |
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School started before I was over my cold, but I figured I would just sleep it off or something. The next week, while still sick, started Starbucks. End of that week, went to the doctor and told him to fix me so I could do what I needed to.
Turns out he heard "Make me worse" so all last week I missed school and work because I thought I was dying.
Luckily, I went back in to Dr. Rych (Pronounced: Rich...seriously. AND he has an iPhone perma-strapped to his belt buckle) and politely said: "You mother fuck. I'm dying, you made me worse now really fix it."
So now I'm on hydros for my head-to-toe pains and new antibiotics that seem to be working. YAY!
Back to Starbucks tomorrow bright and early (5am) to finish training. You guys won't believe how much training and specific shit I have to know. Oh well, the pay and benefits are fucking sweet. No complaints here. And if I was sick while working at the Co-op? Shit would go down unnecessarily. I know for a fact. So really, no complaints anymore... just waiting to get physically better.
Hope y'all are having a good semester thus far.
Peace
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[09 Jan 2008|01:07pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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I like watching you wake up.
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| Music, love, beauty, accomplishment. |
[30 Dec 2007|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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I found a harmonica my dad had given me for xmas a few years back and couldn't believe I left it sitting in my old room un-played for that long. It even came with a how-to book, CD, and (haha) VHS tape. Now, I'm going to learn to play that fucker.
My room is almost complete; a few pictures here, wash that there, and it'll be perfect. I'm proud of myself for doing it. All in one session that took all day. Few!
I'm being patient for once. Tomorrow is forever away and has been since the day I left this place. But, like they say about these things, my heart has just grown fonder.
I'm slowly stripping my hair color out. It's light brown, I suppose, but actually healthy again thanks to an amazing hair "system" I got for xmas. "It's a system, so you know it works." Says Linda. It totally does.
Walking around Moscow in the snow yesterday was eerily beautiful. Marshall, Finn, and I went for coffee but found EVERYTHING to be closed--even Pita Pit--except Pizza P and Winco. So, we walked around the town and Finn and I played in the snow, rolled down some hills. Between that and moving furniture around all day, I was a seriously pooped-out girl. Worth it!
This is good. Everything, all of it. Take it in.
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| Different Perspective |
[29 Dec 2007|04:04pm] |
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Room project bigger than I anticipated. Must stop thinking about how hard it will be and just do it so I only have to worry about it once. Thanks Christian.
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| My advice |
[29 Dec 2007|02:59am] |
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mood |
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 productive |
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used to mean something. Now, it's easily misunderstood and contorted to be hurtful instead of helpful. I think I need to work on my delivery...
So much snow; as beautiful as it is cold. Can't get up Shelley's street or out of her driveway, but we made it to Spokane somehow for a little guilt-free after-Christmas giftcard-from-parents shopping. Naturally, got lost, but it was so worth it; it always is.
Feeling productive, feeling good. Keep this train rolling!
(rockin and rollin)
Done with stomach flu, excited for room "makeover," or as I like to call it: refresher. Slight re-organizing, but mostly better places for things and generally less things all together. I should have asked for a tape measure for xmas....
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| I have a fear |
[23 Dec 2007|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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that everything is changing in a way I'm not prepared for.
It's not just the place you're in, it's the people that accompany you. That's why Boise sucks. I'm obviously not including my friends, but everyone else can go suck it.
No one in Boise can drive in the snow, and this leads to: me getting pissed at them, and Kevin's car getting ruined.
I can't wait to leave this place. To return to Moscow where there is no guilt, no unappreciation, no misunderstanding. I think the greatest decision I ever made was to attend the University of Idaho; not for the school, but for Moscow. For the Moscowites I've befriended, loved, learned from, made my family. You kids are my family.... I'd rather spend christmas with you. Because if I tell you guys I don't care about a fucking christmas tree, that's just fine a dandy in your book.
When Shell and I come back, we're having some green, sharing stories, and just being with each other.
PS: My dad sold his jazz bass (that he's never 100% liked) so I can't take MY bass back with me since he needs it for gigs. Goddammit. If I had $2,000 I'd just buy him a brand new Warwick and take mine with me.
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[12 Dec 2007|07:51pm] |
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haha, you like me back.
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[11 Dec 2007|07:24pm] |
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mood |
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 devious |
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I thought this would make it all easier. I think I made it harder in doing so. Well, maybe just scarier than it needs to be. Yes, scary. Definitely.
My "time to do whatever the fuck I want" is vanishing. I guess you really don't have as much time as you think; that's why you have to enjoy every single second.
Wake 'n' bake: check
pancakes: check
cozy-cozy time: check
satiation: ...ever-pending?
Lame.
Boise again really soon, huh? Weird. At least 10 days this time. Must make a mental reminder not to go completely ape-shit on B-town. But you know, sometimes these things are completely out of my hands.
I wonder what me life's going to be like in the new year. Back to school, job, scheduled life, sleep, no more partying. Boring, but productive. This may be more difficult now that I've spelled it out...
If I've been a bad friend, I apologize. If you deserved it, fuck off. If I haven't explained myself, just give me some time. I have reasons for everything I do....
Just so we're clear, smoking is bad.
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| I'm sick |
[07 Dec 2007|04:30am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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of this bullshit. I said that yesterday and declared to make no more effort, I'd made more than enough. I figured it would last longer than all the other times I say I'm done, and it did. But that, then, caused a guilt and sadness. No... this is not how it was supposed to be.
I take a nap and it splits my day into amazing and shitty? In one day? Really? What the fuck.
Can you ask someone: "Do you want me?" That's not even the right question, I suppose. That one has been answered and is mutually understood. How about: "What are you so afraid of?"
Grand fucking gesture my ass. How about, ANY gesture?
I told myself I would wait. I feel like there is something worth waiting for. However, if you stall again, I don't think I could take anymore.
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| Groovy |
[06 Dec 2007|01:30pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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That's right pieces, fall right into your place. Yea, just like that. I'm loving it. You're amazing.
Officially:
-have a job at Starbucks ( starting in January )
-medically withdrawn from this semester
-a good friend again ( trust me )
-doing something with myself
-responsible
Chik-a-chik-ahhh motherfuckers.
What do I do now? I've got nothing left to worry about and for someone with OCD and anxiety disorders...I'm bored.
Sweet. I'm OK with that. 1 month to the day. I have 1 month to do whatever the hell I want. Mmm... freedom is mischievous; I like it.
Clean the house, finish my paintings, become a rockstar, get healthy, be fabulous. Fabulous: what a gay word. Bryan, do you like the word fabulous?
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| Frustrated. |
[29 Nov 2007|06:48pm] |
I've stalled in limbo and can't seem to move forward. But really, why should I keep pushing? At least meet me half way on this, it'll make me seem less pathetic to myself.
I love that on livejournal you can talk to no one and be talking to anyone.
I need to put this car in gear and get out of this intersection. I just need you to turn the key.
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| music mania |
[18 Oct 2007|01:20pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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to get to me, you'll have to dig under the Arctic Monkeys, We Are Scientists, Cold War Kids, Amy Winehouse, and Led Zeppelin. Not to mention, my guitar and when I'm feeling extra saucy, Justin Timberlake.
I scheduled a gyno appointment a month ago. Today, as I'm mentally preparing myself, they call to change it to tomorrow. Psh. Whatever. I guess I'm cool with that... until tomorrow.
Vaginal issues aside, I decided to medically withdrawal from this semester and start over fresh in the spring. Getting my shit together, kids. At least I want to this time.
I'd be nice, too, to get a hold of Kevin concerning the responsibilities he left behind for me to clear up, but perhaps beggars can't be choosers? No, that's not right in this circumstance. At all. One of you in Boise: FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO ME ALIVE.
Halloween's approaching and I still don't have anything to wear. Or money to buy something to wear. Looks like getting a job is more in order than I thought it was.
It's rainy and I feel as though winter may have jumped the gun a tad.
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| contemplating |
[11 Oct 2007|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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busy |
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a last-minute venture down to Boise this weekend.
I need a break in my mind-set or I fear I may go off the deep end. Then none of you would get to see my shiny face ever again, and I know you don't want that. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I may take off right after school...
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| With the fall inevitably comes |
[07 Oct 2007|05:25pm] |
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mood |
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powerful |
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the ground. Either swiftly or over an excruciatingly long period of time. I pray mine comes too fast to know what the fuck. I'm much better at dealing with things after a minimum of 3 other things to worry about happened. All in context.
Well, I suppose I've attempted to minimize my distractions as of late to facilitate my education...happening. What have I done with the past two years? I honestly don't remember. This fall is like the morning after before I've showered and had 3 cups of coffee. What the fuck happened...
Must remember why I moved to Moscow.
"We know you're doing your best."
Which is worse: never being told by someone that they're proud of you, or
them telling you they're proud and you knowing they shouldn't be?
White Stripes rock me all over my bedroom
Nirvana has been obtained from The Hendrix experience
The Beatles get my wheels a'turnin
Zeppelin does things to me drugs would be jealous of
...seems much more important most of the time, no?
Yet what could feel better than knowing someone genuinely thinks you're "amazing and interesting," or that you make people smile so much it hurts?
I guess I could squeeze some learning in there somewhere. I'm going to be a doctor someday, you guys. What a scary thought. I think the last thing I want for myself is to get 2 Ph.D.s and end up attempting to teach college students who would prefer to sleep than listen to me speak. Ungrateful bastards like myself. Makes me shiver in fear.
Glad that I re-discovered this outlet. It's like a much needed breath of air after too many cigarettes. Cough cough.
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